Deranged.

The Art Showcase — Girl by Xi Zhang

Picture Courtesy: Xi Zhang

Today I hold the doors of my mind open for you to venture in. There’s this massive blend of overthinking, passion, happiness, love, melancholy, a little tinge of exclusion, an element of a recluse, there’s excitement, the zeal and zest, there’s insanity and then there’s you, waiting at the entrance where it’s all calm. The calm before a raging storm. Can you picture it? You standing at the doorstep? You don’t know what’s at the other end of this. Oh honey, think twice. Are you ready for this? Aren’t you curious to know people? Is there an air of suspense fogging up in your mind or is there a -how does it matter, I don’t even know her- kinda vibe buzzing in your head. I’m telling you – stay cautious. Wanna be a rebel? Bring it on, bitch. What if you see a shard of yourself in me? Wanna figure out? Step in. Uh. Watch out. There are shards of glass too. The state right now? Deranged. Completely deranged.

I like you. You’ve outplayed your mind here. There’s this labyrinth. Downright crazy. A wave of apprehension strikes in. Hold on, I think I’m having a panic attack. How did I let you get into my head? I do not let anybody see my mind. Opaque? Pshh. More like a mirror. What you see is what you want to see. You choose to not look into mind. But, wait a second. You want to. That’s what you did here. Then what are you doing? Confused? Stay confused. You think what you think it is but to be true, it is not what you’ve been thinking all this while. Okay, this is getting too convoluted. Pause. Stop. Play over. I think I can give a context. It’s easy to trick the human mind right? Not your own, someone else’s. This concept? Deranged. Completely deranged.

You’re in my mind. On my mind? Not really but in the literal way, I gave you the access to access my mind. Well, you chose to. If not, step out right now. Tick tock. Thoughts are ticking by. Still a rebel. You see a piece of the glass splayed about on the grounds of my mind. I’m telling you, don’t pick it up. But oops, you picked it up. It grazed on the soft folds of your skin. Now there’s a wound. Am I the one to blame? I had warned you but no, you said you wanted to take care of me. Well, there you go now. Hurting yourself by taking care of me. Ahh, the irony. It’s weird, isn’t it? You think I had been hurt what with all those pieces of glass splattered across the arenas of my mind? Well, not really. They’re just security. Warning bells for you to not cross the territory but you’re already there. What am I doing? What are you doing? Deranged. Completely deranged.

You try to explore. I see you looking into the rooms of my mind palace. More like a dingy, dilapidated one but that’s okay I guess. Not the mind palace but the thoughts crumbling. You seem pretty comfortable and I’m a little surprised. Okay there’s something. Shit, I need to shut that before you go there. Fast steps, faster steps. Oh, damn it! You beat me to it. There’s this weird old thing that resembles this vintage record player but it’s just something that plays my monologues out loud. Oh, don’t be surprised. I have plenty of them just yapping on and on. It stays busy forking out instances in the parallel universes of my life. Basically, it believes in prolonging the one hour and plots out scenarios that makes you believe you’re done with the 24 hours when you were actually there for just one. A fucked up dimension really. Unnecessary yet necessary. What an oxymoron. This is yet another functionality. The rambling. Ignore. Will you now? Ah, what a pity! Vacillating. I see you exploring. There’s an album. Many such more than just one. Albums of the forgotten but not forgotten ones. You get what I mean? (Pretty sure, you have some stacked up too.) Like I try to convince myself that they’re forgotten but heck, who am I kidding? We can never deliberately forget something. This would be a nice concept to a superpower right? Deranged. Completely deranged.

There’s so much more to this place that you’re stuck in. You think you know me but do you really? How can you know me when I see myself evolve everyday? Someone new from who she was before. Someone different from how she was before. The good and the bad. A blend. Yet there you are, almost convinced that you can read my mind but trust me when I tell you, you’re not even there. Not one bit. It’s funny right? How the mind works. A tiny trigger to the functionality of the 24 hours that seem to spazz around you. You feel all the four walls of the room closing in on you, don’t you wish to leave? Abrupt but not a worry. I wish to no longer torture you. Because that’s what I have been doing. Give people a taste of who I am but once they’re addicted, I make them leave. I can’t handle them getting hurt because of me. Well, that’s one vicious cycle right there. You don’t wish to see me hurt and neither do I. We run in a loop.  It’s all quaking.  Chaotic. The thoughts are coming down crumbling. A breakdown and you’ve had enough. You leave. You take a breather and now, introspect. Are you the same in your head too? Like deranged, completely deranged.

4 thoughts on “Deranged.

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