Release.

_{Once a beach baby, always a beach baby!}

Pardon me for the rusty writing but I needed this release. A catharsis. I type a sentence, I hit the backspace, I type another sentence, I hit the backspace. I peek around slightly conscious, hoping no one is looking over my screen and reading my drafts. There’s no one, yet, in my head, there’s everyone. Anxiety, y’all! My thoughts drift across the walls of my cranium. There’s a loss of traction and somehow in this newfound confidence after clutching the reins, I lose control. I thought I was in charge but now I’m left to their mercy. They swerve to the right, then knock on to the left and now it’s an observable collision of thoughts. Disturbed. In its entirety. Yet somehow, I survive. I thrive.

I skim through the supposed rooms of my mind, hurriedly in a search for words to express my state of mind but somehow I fail. I fail to comprehend, I fail to explain. A conundrum. A Brownian motion of sorts. Here’s a scene from the Hobbit that particularly resonates with my state of mind. *Spoiler alert* When Galadriel confronts Sauron along with team Gandalf, she uses all her power to cast Sauron out to the east and though she’s sucked out of her powers, there’s a calm, a prevailing eerie calm. Everyone’s downright terrified and exhausted yet temporarily relieved. Such chaos yet so much calm. Dol Guldur, I equate it to my mind. Hence, when Lady Galadriel says, “You Have No Power Here, Servant Of Morgoth! You Are Nameless! Faceless! Formless! Go Back To The Void From Whence You Came!”, I wish to yell that out to my very mortal knights of thought too. Looks like I need a Light In dark places, when all other lights go out. I wanted to find more intersections but okay, LOTR fangirling done for now.

It’s weird. This very negative space that seems to overpower my control. It’s weird. This very perilous territory that somehow feels known yet unknown to me at the same time. I empathise. I understand. And I wish for someone to understand me. There are many who’ve had it worse. There are many who’ve known it better. Yet somehow, I feel like a stranger. This thread attaches and detaches itself to provide me with an intricate embroidery of thoughts. Cross stitching angry thoughts. Ruminating the same insecurities. Running down the same set of situational sequences. I understand that every single human right now is facing a hurdle. Every single human is fighting a battle. Hence, by this rule of law, I find my solace that maybe, I’m not alone. That though we’re running in parallels, we start and end at the same point. And in this incomplete writing, I manage to find my peace. For a while.